So, NMD and I had a break-through last weekend. We had a session where I finally got to be flogged and it broke all my walls. I think halfway through, I was a sobbing mess. He pushed me through the rest of the way and after our after care session, he made me journal.
I only wrote what emotions I felt, focusing on what it felt like instead of when I felt it. It was cathartic. After he read the entry, he assigned me the task of meeting my old tops and having a conversation with them. He figured if I can get closure from each (4 total including NMD), it’ll help me reflect on performing better as a sub.
This makes me nervous because:
1. I’ll have to see Papa.
2. I no longer speak or have seen L. for a good 2 years.
Luckily, I won’t have to talk to the third because we’re still cordial (I adore him) and talk to each other. Papa, I always seem to harp on. He was the hardest to get over even though he was around the shortest amount of time. He worked very hard to get to the heart of me, so when he left, I was a bit heartbroken.
Which led me to flee into the arms of L., where I got the prize out of that because I got to know and sort of friend Peach out of it. I’m pretty sure I’ll meet Papa just based on my curiosity I still have for him. L., I won’t unless I see him at a munch or play party.
Also it being a mercury retrograde, this is the perfect time for it. Speaking more bluntly and reflecting are favorite activities during those retrogrades. I feel I might finally get the closure I seek this time around. It’ll be needed for when I go to the con in June.
I took a test on Bdsmtest.Org and I find it highly interesting that I scored so high as a submissive. Especially since I’ve been planning the most delicious ass whooping for my play pet.
NMD may be right about me becoming comfortable with being an alpha submissive. I’ll never completely fit into a total submissive place but it’s ok. I’m learning you can be submissive and want to beat someone’s ass red, purple and black hehe.
I dreamed of Papa last night. It was a hazy, warm dream. I just remember us cuddling and being in a dark room under a really thick duvet. It was a relaxing dream. When I woke up, I wanted to text him. I haven’t talked to him since July and it was just a quick question. I would like to see him again but I don’t know why. Maybe to see how he’s doing? Catch up? Hmm.
I also was thinking of playmates I’ve had this year that I no longer see or speak to. I miss them for what they represent. Two I miss for their honesty. They knew what they wanted from me and it was so refreshing.
One, i miss because I feel as if I failed her. Time restrictions and family obligations took me away from her. Then I lost my car for 2 months so there went visits when I finally had the time.
Before the new year, I’m going to contact each of these people. I’ll stop giving excuses (no matter how valid ) on my absences.
1. NMD and I have been chugging along. It’s still not sexual and it works so well. There is just something so damned soothing about crawling into someone’s lap and being petted. Also, celibacy had never been better for my business lol.
2. We’ve been working on my connection of punishment to sex. It’s been interesting reading my journal entries after the sessions. I’ve finally gotten away from expecting sex after being beaten. It still is a bit tough because the layer of horniness is still there but it’s manageable. If I focus on something else as soon as I’m out of subspace, I can avoid the “NEED SEX NOW” urge.
3. I’m on the fence of attending a large bdsm convention because I am hella shy. Everyone seems so warm and inviting but I would hate to be this random floating person when everyone links up in their groups. But I may end up going because I would be going as a little. It works for me.
4. Speaking of me as a little, I don’t think I’m a true little. If I had to age it, I’d be between 10-14. So that’d make a middle maybe? In regular life, that’s me. Kind of sure about the world, somewhat naive, still playing with toys but responsible/mature enough to sit with the adults.
I had a vow that I would be celibate for six months. I would use the time to learn more impact techniques, focus on what I wanted out of bdsm, and get a fresh start.
Until last night. My very first ex, my first dom, crashed at my place last night. It was all innocent talking / catching up until I bid him goodnight. He very quietly took me by my throat and shoved me against a wall. Then he proceeded to tell me all the ways I would be taken over the night.
Needless to say, I was a mass of nerves and need. It never fails to amaze me how easy he can get a rise out of me. I wonder if it’s because he did the original wiring? Am I to be forever coded to him? Or is it just because he’s known me that intimately for over a decade?
So, now I have a broken vow and sore body. It’s only been 4 1/2 months. I’m thinking I should just continue as if this never happened. Just continue the next month and a half with the plan and chalk it up as a moment of weakness.
I spent Sunday being a little. I ended up having spare time and Not My Daddy (or NMD for short) did too. So, I headed over to his place and it was all my favorite things: coffee, coloring books, colored pencils and the most delicious, lush blanket I’ve ever had the pleasure to cuddle under.
I got to sit and just talk while I cuddled, colored and was petted. Honestly, it was better than sex. It’s been a really long time since someone ran their hands non-sexually through my hair and just held me. It was such a great pick me up.
In other news, I’ve been celibate for over 4 months now and it’s been refreshing. For once, I’m not thinking with my clit and I’m getting alot done mentally lol. I am having fun exploring fetishes with out being labeled by it. My next curiosity I’m knocking off my list will probably be more rope sessions. There’s something truly comforting in being held to one spot with no option to move. My brain just gets the chance to conk out and stop.